Helpers
I slept last night. To most of you this might merely sound factual, like announcing I had dinner, or that I sneezed while watching TV.
But to me, it’s a transcendent event.
These past three years I’ve watched my sleep patterns degrade, slowly dissolving into a pantomime, little more than an empty ritual with no actual substance. Lately, I’d fallen into a recurring sequence: I’d doze off, dream intensely, wake up around 3-4 am, sometimes go down again but never fully. Just an odd hovering, my conscience trapped in this dark, soulless waiting room, as minutes and hours ticked away. At some point, it seems I lost the ability to reach the restorative phase of sleep, turning all mornings and days and nights into one, long, aimless drift, thick with fog that would never dissipate. You can’t live like that. Eventually, you just don’t want to anymore.
I had a scheduled appointment with our family doctor yesterday. Everything went well, I passed my physical exam with relatively flying colours. But I told her about my sleep issues and we had a long discussion on the subject. I ended up with a prescription for sleeping pills—not the habit-forming chemicals of old, but new molecules, served in micro-doses. Apparently, free of any serious side effects as well.
I took one, an hour before going to bed. …
…
I walked with Watson this morning. A chilly yet soft breeze blowing, the air a few degrees above zero, a low sun piercing through incoming clouds. And I saw pictures again. I didn’t have a camera with me, but I saw them—a wooden fence, a car in a driveway with the light just so, blades of dried grass, a house peeking in the background. And I felt joy. No fog, no heaviness. None of the oppressive sense of futility I’d accepted, reluctantly, as my new reality.
Maybe I’m high as a kite. Maybe those molecules are twisting my brain’s chemistry. But I honestly don’t care: today, for the first time in years, my body, and mind are rested. Damn… I’d forgotten how this felt.
The infinity of it.
The pictures in this post are from a week ago. Two cameras, two series, two looks, two moments. Similar to many that came before…and many more ahead.
